


Go Left!

by EnthusiasticFish



Category: NCIS
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 08:28:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29365515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnthusiasticFish/pseuds/EnthusiasticFish
Summary: This is a nearly dialogue-only oneshot told from Tony's point of view. You get to see only what he sees. Hence, the dialogue-only nature of it until the very end. Don't think too much about the plot. You'll only be disappointed. :)
Kudos: 14





	Go Left!

**Go Left!**  
by Enthusiastic Fish

"Go left, Tony! Go left!"

"Going right!"

"No, I said _go_ left, not _no_ left!"

"Going left, then. Make up your mind."

"Stop!"

"Why?"

"Just stop!"

_Screech._

"Why?"

"No, go!"

"What is a no go?"

"Drive _forward_ , idiot!" Tim shrieked.

"Calm down, Probie."

"Calm down? Calm _down_? Right! No...no left!"

"Is there a left or isn't there?"

"There is! Turn left, now! ...not _that_ left! The _other_ left!"

"What other left?"

"This was a bad idea!"

"Only option we have."

"Straight."

"Good...since that's what I'm doing anyway."

"Right."

"Turning right."

"No! No, I was just agreeing with you! Straight!"

"You know what this reminds me of?"

"Right! Right! Turn right...now!"

"Turning right, now."

"Oh, we're going to die."

"It reminds of this scene in _See No Evil, Hear No Evil_ , the blind guy is driving and the deaf guy is telling him directions."

"Left!"

"And then...this is the best part of the whole movie, the deaf guy suddenly starts shouting, 'Cows! Cows! Cows!'"

"Why is that funny? Stop!"

_Screech._

"Why am I stopping?"

"Because the road stops. That's why. You'd better reverse. Go back about twenty seconds and turn right."

"Okay. The movie's not that great, really. It's kind of lacking in some essential areas like comedic value, plot...interest, but that one scene is the best."

"Why are cows funny?"

"Because they were driving through a warehouse, a slaughterhouse. The cows were sides of beef."

"Okay, now, straight...but don't wobble."

"How is a car going to wobble?"

"Waver, then. Just go straight ahead. We're in an alley. ...and I still don't see why that's funny."

"I guess you'd have to watch it. Are they still following us?"

"I don't see them, but then that doesn't mean they're not."

"Maybe we could stop and improve our odds of not dying then."

"There they are! Forward! Forward! Fast!"

"Fast is probably not a good idea!"

"It is when they're shooting at us! Just because your head is currently bulletproof doesn't mean mine is!"

"Probie, are you ducking down?"

"Yes!"

"Sit up, idiot! Who's going to watch where we're going?"

"I'm going to die. I'm going to die. Now! Left!"

"Now, what?"

"Nothing. Forward!"

"I don't know why you keep saying forward when...Probie? Probie? Wake up, Probie!"

"Right, Tony."

"Turning right."

"No! I was agreeing with you again! Straight!"

"Stop saying right if you don't mean right."

"Right."

"Am I turning right or are you agreeing with me again?"

"Turn right!"

"You know what else this reminds me of?"

"No! Shut up, Tony!"

"Gotta keep you awake, McGee."

"Step on it! They're gaining!"

"There's this episode of _Friends_ that..."

"You watched _Friends_? Faster!"

"Did I ever tell you that I don't like driving fast when I can't see?"

"No, now, you have! Sharp left! Oh, gosh, I'm going to die!"

"Don't cover your eyes, McGee.,.and I can tell you are. Anyway, there's this episode where...it's Thanksgiving, I think and..."

"Left!"

"...and one of them...Ross? No...Chandler...No, Joey. It was Joey. Joey gets a turkey stuck on his head."

_Clang._

"This is not a _turkey_!"

"You think I don't know that, McGee? I do. It's not a _turkey_!"

"Right!"

"Turning right or–?"

"Turn right!"

"Turning right."

"So...how do they get it off?"

"What?"

"The turkey?"

"They pull it really hard, I guess. I don't really remember that part."

"I'm getting tired again, Tony."

"Suck it up, Probie."

"Left! I think we're almost there!"

"You think? You _think_? You said you knew where you were going!"

"I do...I just wasn't sure how to get there."

"Probie? Stay awake. We're in big trouble otherwise."

"Big trouble anyway, Tony."

"Yeah, well, having Gibbs mad at us is nothing compared to dying."

"Speak for yourself... Right! I know where we are!"

"Are they still behind us?"

"Well, they're falling back. They know where we are, too."

"That makes how many of us who know where we are?"

"Me. ...and those four guys behind us."

"Right. I don't know. Do you know why?"

"Because you have a helmet stuck on your head."

"That's right! _Where_ in the name of Ned are we?"

"Turn right, hard right...no, _really_ hard right! Boss! Behind us!"

"Boss?"

"Brakes! Brakes! Hit the brakes!"

_Screech._

"We're there?"

"Yeah. Can I pass out now, Tony?"

"And leave me to tell Gibbs that you got drugged and I got stuck with a medieval helmet on my head...backwards? You've got another thing coming, Probie. Probie? Probie?"

"Tony? Is that you?"

"No, it's Ivanhoe. Is McGee all right?"

"He looks a little pale. What is going on?"

"Ziva, it's...it's a long story. Maybe later. But they dosed McGee pretty good so could someone check on him?"

"Tony...there had better be a good explanation for what I'm seeing right now."

"Maybe...maybe after you help McGee, you might let me see what you're seeing, Boss. I wouldn't mind. I really, really wouldn't."

"You appear to have a knight's helmet on your head, Tony."

"Yeah, I _know_ that, Ziva."

_Clang._

"Don't do that, Ziva."

"Why not?"

_Clang._

"Because it echoes in here and hurts my ears. You want to help me get out of this?"

"In a moment..."

_Bang._

"What's going on?"

"Nothing. I was just making sure that the last man was dead. He is...now."

"Good grief, Anthony. Why are you wearing a helmet?"

"Ducky, could you not ask the twenty questions and help me get it off? Is Probie all right?"

"He will be, although I would guess it will take some time. You're sure it was just a regular sedative?"

"Sure as I can be. I was a little occupied, you know."

"That you kept him awake long enough to get back here is quite an achievement."

"I think adrenaline will do that. His arm?"

"Badly broken, but he will survive that as well. The handcuffs certainly didn't help."

_Creak._

"Come out, Tony. We will get you out of the helmet."

"How?"

"Very carefully."

"As in you're going to pull really hard?"

"More or less...but we will use some lubricant."

"You're not spraying WD-40 in here."

"Nope. I have some oil."

"You're letting the Autopsy Gremlin take charge?"

"You'd be surprised what Mr. Palmer has accomplished in the past, Tony."

"Gross! Yuck!"

"Stop whining, DiNozzo."

"McGee got off all right?"

"Yeah. Ready to get that off your head?"

"Yeah, Boss."

"On three. One...two..."

"Yeoooww!" Tony fell backwards as his head came free from the helmet and bright, blessed light blinded him. His hair was greasy with oil. His head was wet with sweat...but he didn't care about any of that. Only that he was now free of his prison.

"Now...Tony..." Gibbs said, staring at him intently. "Why don't you start at the beginning and tell me what happened that resulted in your head being stuck in this thing?" He held up an ornate iron helmet.

"Well, Boss...it's a really _really_ long story. You see..."

FINIS!


End file.
